My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
