Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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