Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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