You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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