I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
