I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
