i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
