today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
