If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
