his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
