I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
