So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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