You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
