i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
