Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
