she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
