i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
