someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
