happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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