as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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