put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Bring me that man meat
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize