I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
