My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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