so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
