its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
