I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
