I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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