the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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