I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
