I accidentally burped into my bong.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Sorry about my life...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
