Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
