So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
