You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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