my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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