I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
