if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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