I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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