dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Randomize