No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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