Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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