You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
