im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
