I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
