My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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