I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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