: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
