I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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