Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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