Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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