its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
