I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
