I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
