he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
