i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
