i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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