getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
