i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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