boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
