I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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