Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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