I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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