Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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