I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
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