The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
